Wednesday, 20 April 2016
100WC WEEK#14
I’ve been waiting almost five months for my brand new phone. I was walking home from school, thinking that my phone will be in my bedroom and trotted up to my bedroom and spotted a box size of a book. Will it be my brothers box or my new phone? I quickly grabbed the box, ran into the kitchen and grabbed a knife. Slowly opened it with my hands. I put my hand in the box and felt. My new phone.
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Cool story! There are some extra spaces. Also you have quite a few run on sentences, and your grammar when you thinking/speaking is wrong.
ReplyDeleteYour second sentence doesn't flow smoothly because you say, " knowing that my phone wont be in bedroom and trotted up t my bedroom and spotted a box..." I think you are missing some words, also I don't really know why you would go into your room if you know the phones not there.
ReplyDeleteOther than that it is a unique plot and somethingI wouldn't have thought of! Great job!
I think you could just make your beginning sentences stronger and make the lengths of your sentences balance. Good job in your story !
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