Chase
Dodging trees, leaping over small branches, it was hard moving around the branches while wearing orange pyjamas, but there was no time for changing, as I was been chased by a hippo- like monster. I thought it couldn't be a hippo, it had 70 eyes, a big nose, huge body and footsteps that sounded like thunder. I reached a river and swam across it. I heard other sounds behind me, as I stayed in silence not even trying to move.
"Wake up, time for school," my mom yelled.
Remember to capitalize words after periods. I think you meant to put a comma in the first sentence after pyjamas, though. Hippo-like would also be hyphenated. Check to make sure that all of your story is in the same tense, either past tense or present tense. I think you meant another after "I heard". Remember to put speaking parts on a new line.
ReplyDeleteIn your first sentence you say you had no timing but it should say you had no time. In your third sentence you say I each the river but it should be, I reached the river. Your fourth sentence doesn't make a lot of sense, it isn't using the correct grammar. I do like the way you used thunder in your story.
ReplyDeleteOkay, in your second sentence I think you meant 'no time to change' not 'no timing to change". Also your third to last sentence I think you meant 'I reached' not 'I reach'. Good start though!
ReplyDeleteYour story is unique. Its really interesting. You said 'I' at the beginning of your sentences a lot. When you say, "footsteps that sound like thunder" maybe you could put sounded instead of sound. Also when you say "I reached a river and swam through it" you could put, "swam across it", It just makes more sense.
ReplyDeleteGood start though!
I like how you started off your story. I think your first sentence is a bit long so maybe you could turn it into two parts. I also suggest that you could put a period after you said 'but there was no time for changing'. I also like how did you described the hippo-like monster.
ReplyDeleteI love your story, and how it had a great twist. On your second line, I thought that was a run on sentence. Maybe you want to add periods or commas. Good story though.
ReplyDelete